Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

podcast Nov 05, 2022

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Eeeek...releasing this episode feels equal parts uncomfortable and vulnerable but also incredibly freeing and expansive. I'm sharing "the things I'm afraid to tell you" that I haven't really been sharing, which was inspired by an episode on Jess Lively's podcast she recorded a few years ago that I just recently listened to.

It was really expansive for me to hear the things someone else was afraid of and I hope this episode offers you some of this expansion and connection as well. Here's to not needing to portray ourselves as perfect and feeling free to be who we are in this moment ;)

It was so freeing for me to hear Jess share her things she was afraid to share so I wanted to share some of mine. My intention is to record this as if nobody's ever going to listen so we're going to see where it goes.

1. I sometimes struggle to feel worthy in terms of money and business

The biggest area of struggle for me in the last few years in terms of feeling worthy has been the area of business and money. I've come so far with this in the last year, and especially the last few months, and I'm just really looking forward to the unconditional alignment in the area of business and money that I have with other areas in my life like food.

If you don't know my journey, it started with intuitive eating because I had an eating disorder in high school that continued through college and I was constantly worrying about food. I went on in an intuitive eating journey, and really started following my intuition in the area of food and it completely changed my life in so many ways. I got to this place where I now, and for the last several years, have had this unconditional alignment around food where my food my relationship with food is pretty much entirely led by my intuition.

There's no right there's no wrong, there's no rules, there's no shame, there's no worries, there's no constant thinking about it. It's just complete freedom and non attachment and trust in that area of my life. And I'm really excited that I know that because that was one area where I was able to find unconditional alignment, I know that is available to me in the area of business and money as well. I'm definitely looking forward to that I can feel myself moving closer to that than I ever have been.

In the past, so much of my journey with business was looking to other people for the answers and spending a lot of fucking money on that and trying to do it the right way and then feeling really ashamed when I couldn't and trying to inflate myself and hide things to get people to like me and to get approval and to avoid disapproval and to get validation and to get people to want to work with me. There was so much entanglement of my self worth and identity with business and achievements and I was just very caught up this chase of external success.

Earlier this year, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was stuck in those patterns of looking to the others for the answers and trying to like put on all these masks to make myself who I think I needed to be, in order to be successful and liked and worthy and chosen. Everything shifted when I had that big moment of self-reflection and self-compassion. I've been letting go and disentangling my self-worth from my business. My alignment is becoming less and less dependent and entangled with my external achievement. And it feels really, really, really fucking good to be finding that freedom in this area, but it is one that my ego is afraid of sharing that because this podcast is part of my business so it's very uncomfortable for my ego to be like I'm here to help you and support you and I also struggle.

My mind wants to be the perfect expert who never like struggles with anything, which is so ridiculous. We're all human. How I've been working through this has been so incredibly transformational; I can hardly put it into words.

As any heavy feelings and emotions arise in me or any triggers or attachments (any feeling like I need to do something to get something), I notice them and process them (the same process I do with my clients in the inner voice sessions). It's releasing what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain body which is basically unprocessed emotions and energies that got trapped in the body because they were never fully felt or released. As I release more and more, the connection with my intuition is stronger, and I'm able to act more in alignment with my intuition rather than seeking to fill my worth from things on the outside.

I've been really focusing on releasing the pain body and following my intuition, which is the work that I teach and do with my clients. Continuing to deepen that embodiment within myself has been really, really, really wonderful. I'm actually listening to my intuition over what my mind thinks I should be doing based on its pain body, conditioning and reactions. And instead, I'm following my intuition and making peace my number one priority and being trusting, open and willing to see where that where that leads, and really letting what is be enough.

2. I lost sight of my core messages because I got caught up in the chase of the coaching industry

The core of what I've always felt called to share about is energy and intuition. But I lost so I lost sight of that so many times in getting caught up in the chase and shiny objects in the coaching industry. I lost sight of my truth and myself and my message to what I thought I was supposed to say and who I thought I was supposed to be.

There's a part of me that's afraid that if I just talk about peace and presence and energy and intuition, the things that have always been the most impactful for me and the things that I've just really come into even deeper alignment with in the last few months, that nobody will want to listen because people want the external achievements and they want the money and they want the success and they want the manifestations. And if I'm not promising people that I can get them more money, or manifestations, or success, or the relationship or the body, then people won't want it.

But I'm no longer willing to be part of the narrative that reinforces the constant chase and shame around external achievements and putting that above everything else. It doesn't mean we don't get to have external achievements, we do. Our alignment just doesn't have to be so dependent on it, or dependent on it at all. My priority has become inner peace and alignment above all else. And I know that for other people, deep down, they want that too. I think there's something within us all that recognize that recognizes that it is within us and and is not in external achievements.

As appealing as it is to think those are the things that are going to give us the feelings that we want, I think we ultimately all know, deep down, that it's within us. And that is the truth of what I want to continue sharing. I definitely have gotten caught up in phases in the past where my ego was like chasing money, fame and success above all else. And it's feeling a lot better to focus on my inner peace and alignment above all else, and being willing to see where that takes me.

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Full Episode Transcript:

Hi, and welcome back to the magnetically you podcast. I was gonna say excited for today's episode because I feel like that's such a habit. I'm a little resistant about today's episode, actually, because today I'm recording an episode on things I'm afraid to tell you. So this was inspired by Jess Lively's podcast she did an episode it was years ago actually called things I'm afraid to tell you and just shared all the things that she had kind of been like afraid to share on her podcast or things that she was holding back and just wanted to share those things in, in the sense of kind of like freeing herself, and also helping others in the process of it and just reminding us all that like we're not alone, and we all have fears. And I think there's so much connection and vulnerability, which has been a huge lesson for me in the last few years. And especially with marriage, I just continue to learn the lesson that I my mind, resist and resist and resist being vulnerable. And then as soon as I open and become vulnerable, there's like a deeper, just freedom and connections that's formed. So I was so inspired by that episode, and it was so freeing for me to hear her share her things she was afraid to share. So I wanted to share some of mine and something that I shared in the last episode there were like, it was the best podcast about thing like messages that I've been receiving from my intuition lately, and one of them was that like, you don't need to inflate yourself to make people think you're like more successful they're more than you are and you don't need to like hide parts of yourself again to like make people think you're like more successful and like present this like perfect version of you. And that's definitely been a big lesson for me in the last couple of years, especially in having a business and sharing things I definitely tried so much to do. That being perfect. And the first few years and so this episode really is yeah, something that I'm I'm excited to share even if my mind is like oh like do we really need to do this? Oh, my intuition is like yes, yes, we are. So my intention actually is to record this as if nobody's ever going to listen so we're going to see where it goes. But before we get into that I just want to catch you guys up on what's been going on with me and my life in case it's fun for you to just stay in the loop and hear updates I know when I listen to podcasts like I love to kind of just hear like oh what's been going on for them like I don't know why but it's so interesting for me so we just got back a oh my god I guess it was like a month ago Now time is like flying by but we about a month ago we got back from a like three week Europe trip that was absolutely incredible. We went to Greece, Spain and Portugal and if you're curious about where we went or want recommendations, I actually started a travel blog in the last month called flow and wander.com If you want to go check it out all the Europe all everything from our Europe trip is up and there's so many so many more things that I want to share on the air but I'll share them as it as it flows. So yeah, that's been something that's been a really just like fun project you could say that my intuition there's so divinely led me to so I've been creating for that which has been really fun. And we had the trip which was really amazing. And I actually went to Florida twice since we got back from Europe to spend time with my family and I got to meet my new nephew so my little sister had a son and my older sister already has one son and then she also recently just had a baby girl. So now I have two nephews and one niece and it's like oh my god just so incredible. The way that they bring me into such deep presence when I'm with them is such a gift and I just like love the like innocence in their energy and their presence and their I don't know just like sparkle in their eyes. That kind of like sounds weird, but I like I don't know, I just really connect with them and love them so much. It makes me so happy. So that's been something so special. What else trying to think if there's anything What else going on, I feel like that's like the main things it's been I don't know it just like there's been a, like the really all this year, it's just been like a deepening and deepening and deepening and deepening a deepening of going within myself. And that is something that also continues to deepen. And I've been spending a lot of my time like connecting with my intuition and seeing where that leads me and releasing any of the like, heavier motions or energies that are coming up with me. And really, just something else to like, the last month that I've been really embodying even more and on a deeper level is like moment to moment doing what feels good. And asking myself like what feels good right now like what truly and honestly, feels good for me in this moment, and just giving myself permission to live moment to moment, like what feels good in this moment, what feels good in this moment, and just trusting where that's going to leave me. So that's been really a beautiful experiment, we'll say, as well that I've been more intentionally focusing on, especially in the last month of like, really intentionally reminding myself like, when I find myself, like wanting to do something out of habit or out of should just being like, okay, hold on a second, like, where is this coming from? And what do I really want to be doing? Not what do I think I'm supposed to be doing? Or like, yeah, that kind of thing. So anyways, that's what's been going on. But let's get into the episode. So I have, let's see, 12345678. I think it's 1111 ish things to share that I am afraid to tell you are resistant to tell you. So the first is that the biggest area of struggle for me? Sorry, I'm drinking my coffee, the biggest area of struggle for me in the last few years in terms of feeling worthy. And yeah, well, I think Worthy is the correct word. And whole within myself, has been the area of like business and money. And I've come so, so so so so so far with this in the last year, and especially the last few months, and I'm just really looking forward to the unconditional alignment in the area of business and money that I have with other areas in my life like food. So at one point, if you don't know my journey, my like kind of I don't know spiritual and personal growth journey really started with intuitive eating because I had an eating disorder in high school that kind of like, hid under the rug and college and then after college kind of morphed into orthorexia, and just a constant obsession and fear and worry and, like, Oh, my God, my brain is literally constantly worrying about food. And that at the time was its biggest area of like, feelings of I don't know, just like, extreme attachment to control. And that was something that so I went on in this intuitive eating journey, and really started following my intuition in the area of food. And, like, completely changed my life in so many ways. And I got to this place where like, I now for the last several years have had this like unconditional alignment around food and this, like, where my food my relationship with food is like, pretty much entirely just led by my intuition. I don't have like, there's no right there's no wrong, there's no rules, there's no like, shame, there's no worries, there's no constant thinking about it. It's just like complete, like, I don't know, just like freedom and non attachment and trust in that area. And I'm really excited that I know that like because that was one area where my mind so desperately tried to get that like, control in. But then I ended up finding the unconditional alignment and that I know that is available to me in the area of like business and money as well. So I'm definitely looking forward to that I can feel myself like really moving closer to that than I ever have been. Because in the past so much of my journey with business was looking to other people for the answers and spending a lot of fucking money on looking to other people for the answers and trying to do it the right way and their way and then feeling really ashamed when I couldn't and trying to inflate myself and hide things to get people to like me and to get approval and to avoid disapproval and to get validation and to get people to want to work with me and it was just this like there was so much entanglement of my self worth and identity with business and achievements and I was just very caught up in this like Chase of external success. And earlier this year, I just kind of like hit me like a ton of bricks that I was like Can in those patterns of looking to the others for the answers and trying to like put on all these masks to make myself who I think I needed to be, in order to be successful and liked and worthy and chosen and then out of that, and I just kind of like hit me like a ton of bricks that like that truth with like, such compassion earlier this year that I was doing that and there's been so much of like a just like, letting go and just entangling myself where it's from business and achievements and like how much money I'm making, and like, not making that like, my everything and who I am. And if I, if it isn't looking the way my mind thinks it should be, then I'm wrong, and I should be ashamed. And I should just, like, feel terrible. And it's like, no, my alignment is becoming less and less and less and less and less and less and less dependent and entangled with my external achievement. And it feels really, really, really fucking good to be finding that freedom in this area, but it is one that like, My ego is like, is afraid of sharing that because like, this is my business, like, This podcast is part of my business, like I'm here, sharing so it's very, like, it's like, uncomfortable for my ego to be like, like, I'm here to help you and support you. I also struggle like, it's like my mind wants to, again be be the perfect expert who never like struggles with anything, which is just like, so ridiculous. We're all human. And so how I've been working through this and what has been like just so, so so so incredibly transformation, I can hardly put it to words as as any heavy feelings and emotions arise and me or any triggers any attachments, any feeling like I need to do something to get something or getting a someone canceling their original group membership. And then I kind of like feel this like a feeling in my body that doesn't feel good, like noticing any, like situations like that, or even when it's not triggered by a specific situation. And there's just a heavy energy within me really doing the process that I do with my clients in the inner voice sessions of what releasing what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain body, it's basically unprocessed emotions and energies that kind of got trapped in the body because they were never fully felt or released. And it's, as they come up in the now it's actually like fully going into them and processing them and releasing them. And as I do, then I the connection with my intuition is stronger, and I'm able to act more in alignment with my intuition rather than seeking to fill my worth from things on the outside. So the things that have I've been, you know, really focusing on is releasing the pain body and following my intuition, which is the work that I teach and, like do with my clients and to to continue, like deepening that embodiment within myself has been just really, really, really wonderful. And like, that's why I hit there haven't been as many podcasts or I haven't been on social media as much not because I'm like, feeling bad in the area of business. I just like can't do it. Although I totally have had phases in the past of doing that. But more so like now I'm actually listening to my intuition over what my mind thinks I should be doing based on its pain body, and it's conditioning and its reactions. And instead, following my intuition and making peace, my number one priority, and being trusting and open and willing to see where that where that leads, and like letting it letting what is be enough. And not always feeling like I'm not enough because I don't have what this other entrepreneur has, or yatta yatta. So that is the first one. The second is that kind of related to that actually, which I kind of already shared a little bit in the last one I got, like, I guess you'd say carried away on to the next one. But the core of like what has always been the most healing and impactful for me that I always have been coming back to. And the core of why I've always felt called to share about husband energy and intuition. But I lost so I lost sight of that so many times is getting caught up in the chase. And this like I don't know, kind of like Brian washy and part of the coaching industry and the like shiny objects and losing my truth and myself and my message and what I thought I was supposed to say and who I thought I was supposed to be. And there's a part of me that's afraid that if I just talk about like peace and presence and energy and intuition, the things that have always been the most impactful for me and the things that I've just really come into even deeper alignment with in the last like, especially a few months and year in my mind is like kind of afraid that nobody wants to want to listen and work with me because people want the external achievements and they want the money and they want the success and they want the manifests. emotions. And if I'm not telling people if I'm not promising people that I can get them more money, or manifestations, or success, or the relationship or the whatever the body like, whatever it is in that, then people won't want it. But like, I'm no longer willing to be part of the narrative that reinforces the constant like Chase and shame around like external achievements, and like putting that above everything else. And it doesn't mean, we don't get to have external achievements, like we do. I'm all for, I'm all for manifestation, I love manifesting shit. And it doesn't have to be our alignment doesn't have to be so dependent on it, or really dependent on it at all. And I know for me, like, my priority has become inner peace and alignment above all else. And I know that for other people, like deep down, they want that too. And I think there's something within us all that recognize that recognizes that it that is within us and and is not an external achievements. And as appealing as it is to like, think that those are the things that are going to give us the feelings that we want. And those feelings of worth and the feeling of success and the feeling of fulfillment, that feeling of joy, like I think we ultimately all know, deep down that that's within us. And that is really the truth of what I want to continue sharing. And it was like, I feel like I definitely have gotten caught up in phases in the past where like, my ego was like chasing like money and fame and success above all else. And yeah, it's just it's feeling a lot better to focus on my inner peace and alignment above all else, and being willing to see where that takes me. What else the next one is my weird thoughts about death. So a couple things. The first is that it's like kind, I don't know if anyone else like has this weird of thoughts about debt, this idea, but I'm like, I had this conversation with my dad. And Trevor, when we were in Florida a few months ago, actually, we were on the roof. And it was dark outside. And it was Fourth of July. And we were looking at the fireworks and the stars and the night sky. And we kind of like got on this conversation of like space in the universe. And you're kind of just thinking in these like, I don't know, just like, when you look at space, and you really start thinking about space, you're kind of just like, What the fuck is this place we're living in and like, what is beyond the sky? And what happens when we die and all this stuff. So anyways, they were kind of just sharing their like thoughts about like, you know, what life means and what happens after we die and death has always been a topic I was very very very very uncomfortable with I just hated it. I wanted to avoid ever talking about I didn't want to hear anything about and I think that's actually a huge like conditioning in our society. But anyways, I just felt like, like they were both so like, oh, yeah, you live and then you die and it's fine. And I was like, but like, but how? How can you just be okay with it? How can you be okay, that it's gonna like the that we don't know what's gonna happen? And how can I ever live a life big enough to be okay with dying? Like, how could it ever be big enough? How could I ever have enough time to do all the things I want to do? How could I ever see all the beauty in the world and all the amazing places and the all the amazing experiences all there's millions and millions and infinite infinite experiences that I will I will never get to experience in this lifetime because you cannot possibly experience it all like there's like a tiny town in Italy that I'll never see this lifetime and like a I don't know, the bottom of the middle of the ocean or like, I don't know, just all of these things that I just felt like, oh my gosh, like how can I ever live a life big enough to be okay with dying at some point. And I also will say like, I'm more at peace with the idea of death than ever because the as I've been on this journey of like going inward, I'm just realizing that there's like, a place within me that's really, really, really steady and really, really, really constant. And I'm sort of starting to connect with this truth with me that heart that essence that energy lives on and it's obviously like, the I think our essence and our energy and soul you could say is, I don't know lives on I guess I don't know if that's the right word, but like the personality, the character of Madison that I'm playing in this lifetime, the the ego, the conglomeration of thoughts about who I am, I'm Madison, I'm 29 I was born in Virginia, I've done this in my life and I've done that and I have a podcast and it's like that. All of that. I don't know compilation of like, stories and experiences that we make up to be who we are. The character I believe does so anyways, yeah, just my weird random thoughts about dying, but it feels like it feels like good to be at a point where I can like just I don't know share that freely and openly and not be so like, emotionally charged by it. Like literally if I used to think of the word death in the past, like my heart would start racing. I'd be like, like, shut down. And now I the can I don't feel that in my body right now, and I'm just kind of like exploring, like, yeah, like, what do I feel about this? What does my intuition say about this, and I've definitely had some conversations with my intuition that have given me a lot of peace in my intuition actually showed me the image of what I when I asked about death that it was like having your hair in a ponytail or like a ribbon. And the ribbon untying and your hair kind of just like falling out to the sides where, and like how I interpreted that, it's just, we're not bundled up in the same bundle of energy. Does that make sense? Like medicine is a particular bundle of energy that is bundled together in this body. But I kind of have this, like, an intuitive sense that after we die, like it's not the body, and it's not the same conglomeration of energy, but it's kind of like, like the hair still there, it's just like, isn't tied up in the ribbon in the same way that it was before. So that's kind of what's been coming through on that topic. The next one is that I'm really, really, really excited to have kids is starting, I don't know, there's like a weird thing in your body. I feel like I don't know if other women feel this way. But I've talked to a few friends and like some of my sisters, like there's just like this, like weird thing that like starts ticking over in your body where it's like the body like literally, like wants there to be a child created. And so I'm excited to have kids and that desire is definitely like growing, but there's no like, yeah, rush or attachment or anything in that area for now. So we'll leave that at that. But what I'm afraid of is like, I'm, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my ship. I'm afraid that I'm going to be constantly filled with fear of something happening to them. I'm afraid that when I put them in their crib to go to sleep, that I'll never sleep again, because I'm going to be so afraid. What if they stop breathing? What if they fall out of the crib? What if they hit their arm? What if their arm gets stuck in the crib? Like I've just like, I feel like I'm like, I'm afraid that I'm going to be filled with like, extensive like worry, and that I'm going to need like extensive. I don't know, therapy every day or something, you know, actually would probably be great. And I'm also afraid that I would fall into I don't know, the typical like housewife mom role, and that my like, passions and other things may fall like on the backburner. But like I don't think that's a bad thing or wrong. It's just something my like, ego is kind of like ooh, like, I It's afraid that it's doesn't want to like wrap its whole identity up in the mom thing. So yeah, I'm afraid to tell you that my husband makes a lot more money than me right now, I'm not really afraid to say this one. So it kind of didn't feel like truthful when I said that. But I don't know, I guess uncomfortable or resistant to share, or maybe something that I was more resistant to share in the past. And it kind of feels like I'm less resistant to sharing it now. And it's funny because I so I wrote this list of things I'm afraid to tell you about a month ago when I had the idea. And there's I've been like just sitting kind of with it, knowing I was gonna record the episode, but not knowing when and just trusting that when I got the green light from my intuition, I would record it. And in the meantime, I was having like resistance come up about it. And just whenever I would think about it, I'd be like, Oh, I'm gonna, like be sharing that one thing. And like, ooh, and so I think I've already like let go of a lot of what used to feel like being afraid to share these things, as I've just kind of like sat with this for a little while. But anyways, this one is that my husband makes a lot more money than me right now. Of like, like Braid, it's like that could totally change. But who gives a buck. And for a while I carried so much guilt and shame about this because my mind was like you should be contributing more and you're not contributing enough and my mind's an ego didn't feel worthy of receiving from someone else. And it felt like it needed to all come through itself and through the business and through its own creations. And if it's only worthy if it did it itself, and not if it received anything from anyone else. And obviously that's all a load of bullshit. But the ego will do what the ego does, I guess the next one is, sometimes I'm afraid that nobody's really listening and benefiting from the podcast. I don't hear much from people listening. So sometimes it feels like it's just going out into the ethers and it's just me talking to myself. And another one. This one actually is a new one that I added to the list as I was like, yeah, getting ready to record this today is that I sometimes wonder if anyone else has this weird or as insecure thoughts as me. I would actually, like consider myself like quite secure and confident and most ways, but then sometimes I'm like super in like, I don't know, different scenarios like quite insecure and it's like, ooh, that's interesting. So the other day I went to brunch with a new friend we've like hung out a couple of times, and we decided to go to brunch because we only lived in Yeah, Alexandria like DC for about a year. And I've made some friends, which is beautiful. And I would really a clear, like, strong intention of mine is to continue making more aligned friendships. So anyways, I went to brunch with a, you know, fairly new friends the other day. And after the brunch, I was like, overanalyzing and worrying about what people thought, What about what she thought. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like, I was like, kind of like, I didn't want anything to be awkward. So maybe I was talking too much. And oh, my gosh, was they talking too much? And then I was like, like, Oh, my God, did she think I talked too much. And the, and then I this actually brings up another memory. So Trevor's team from work came over and I made dinner for them the other night, which was so fun to meet the people that he works with, because I've never met them before. And we had a really, really great time. But after that, I was like, I noticed myself overanalyzing like, oh, like, Did I did I drink too many margaritas? Did they think I was a drunk? Like, did they? Like think I was like crazy? Did they? Like you know what I mean? Just like, I was just like, wow, like, I didn't know, like, I like was that insecure about what these like new people thought of me? And it was like, I don't know, I guess like nice to like, recognize because like, obviously, like, I don't know, I don't care enough to let it like really weigh on me. But it definitely like came up. And so yeah, that's that. The next one is I'm afraid to tell you that my life is really, really, really, really, really easy. And I hardly do anything I don't want to do. And I think I'm kind of afraid to say that because it's kind of like my mind kind of feels like Oh, but like everyone out there else out there is like working hard and like suffering and sacrificing. And you're just like, fucking chilling. And like, Is that really okay to like, have it that easy when other people like, have it hard. And I have just made it my number one priority to put inner peace. As my number one in my alignment has been number one and see where that leads me and I yeah, I've been working and doing and actioning and productivity being very little and like how a lot of how I spend my time recently is going on walks and workout classes and meditating and going to coffee shops and a lot of self introspection, a lot of releasing of the pain body when it comes up a lot of talking to my inner voice a lot of just laying on the couch and breathing actually cooking probably and like making myself elaborate meals during the day and just having like, an incredible freedom to do what I want to do. But I also did create this and choose this. So I guess now my ego wants to defend itself and justify itself. So there's that. Yeah, that's one, two more. The next one is that I don't really have any specific goals I'm striving towards right now. I feel like in the past, I was always like I'm going further down game on the going further 20k month I'm manifesting the Gucci bag, I was like very obsessed with my specific manifestations. And I'm very nonspecific, right now much more open. And I'm really just doing what feels good in the moment and seeing where that leads me. And so far, it's feeling really fucking good. And I have no idea where it's taking me but it seems to continue unfolding in ways that are beautiful, far beyond what my mind could have ever predicted or controlled. So yeah, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or where the fuck I'm going. And but like also, like, that's a little bit of an overstatement because it's like, okay, like, I obviously have, like, you know, a general idea of what I aligned with and what I'm passionate about. And I do know that I want to continue like this podcast and my business. But like, ultimately, there's like a big openness that wasn't there before. And I definitely have some preferences in my minds. But for for me, at least right now I know like I know enough by now to know that it doesn't help me to rigidly focus on one way my mind thinks things should be when like, the truth is that the possibilities are endless. So like, why would I limit myself to one thing, and then like, I don't know, just create so much like entanglement and disappointment and discouragement when I could just like open and allow and love it all and manifest like unexpected magical surprises. And this doesn't mean that I think goals are like bad or wrong or that we'll never have them again or that you shouldn't have them or that if you have them you're not in alignment. Like it doesn't mean that at all. It just means for me right now. It's not something I carry to be like, super focused on and I'm like letting that be okay. And just like really I don't know, like, leaping and leaping over and over and over into the, into the unknown, I guess you could say, the last thing I'm afraid to tell you is that about my weird, weird spiritual experiences we'll call them that I've been having recently. So I've been like some, there were like several occurrences that hasn't happened, I guess in like, a month or so now, but like several occurrences where I would be sleeping, and I would feel like I woke up, but I kind of think it was still a dream, but I'm not sure if I was awake or dreaming, where I would like literally see somebody in my room and feel like it was so real and get really afraid and like, like, have a hard time catching my breath and have like, a racing heart. There was a presence there. Like I think my intuition knew there were like, safe and like fine presences. But it was just so like, I don't know, freaky to my mind. And then I would kind of like, come to you and just be like, what, like, what the hell just happened. And it like, my mind is like, Oh, that was like a dream. But like, in my body, the experience is felt like so beyond like, real so to like, wake up and to have felt it as if it like really, really, really happened, which is like so interesting. So some weird shit in my dreams. And like my yeah, I've my, like sleeping has been interesting. It's been like a lining for me, like I've slept like on the dot eight hours a night for the longest time. And I actually have insomnia in case that's helpful for you to hear it is possible to not have insomnia after having insomnia, because I had it for at least a couple of years, like eight years ago. And I literally would stare at the ceiling all night and cry and just be so stressed and tired and felt like a zombie for like two years. And anyways, so for the last several years, I've been sleeping wonderfully, pretty much like eight hours to the tee like every night. And recently, it's kind of actually seems like it's like coming back down. But we'll see. I'm just letting it be what it is. But it kind of feels like there was like a phase where I was sleeping like 10 or 11 hours, some nights and I was like was happening like for so long. It was a and now I'm like sleeping way more. But I think there was just a lot of processing and releasing and integration going on in my sleep. So it's like my intuition wanted me to continue sleeping so that a lot of that processing and integration could be happening while I was sleeping. So that was really interesting. And I was started having a lot more dreams of like resolution, which was really cool because like, I don't know, in the past a lot of my dreams were just like super fucking nightmarish. Like worse than horror movies. I like was going out of my subconscious I don't know. But a lot of my dreams recently there's been a lot of like resolution where they end in a P there's a peaceful ending, there's a resolution to some sort of situation or something. So that's been really cool. But yeah, it just feels like there's I don't know, this like weird, like fusing of my awake life and my dream life. That's been I don't know, just an interesting experience kind of feels like something's something's going on, like get a good vibe. But yeah, so we'll see how that could take us unfolding. And then the other kind of like, I don't know, just like weird spiritual experiences, I guess you could call them is like, over the last few months, I've kept having this sense of like, I don't I don't know anything. And it's funny because I think I have let go so much of like living in the past in the future and to like mentally know something is to use the past in the future to like know something. Now hopefully I'm making any sense, but if not, whatever, and just realizing that like, there's so much more beyond what my mind can even process that like, I've just become self aware enough to know that I really don't I don't know, do we really know anything? I don't know. So I've just I don't know that's weird. Now that I'm saying it out loud and like this makes absolutely no sense. But I actually like feel like it kind of does and maybe it will resonate for some people because after had been feeling that for a few months I read in some of Eckhart Tolle 's work about how like I don't know if something some part of like spiritual development was like this, like, really kind of like realizing that we don't really like to, I don't know to have this almost like humbleness that like we don't really know. And like it's okay to not it's okay to not know. And that's more like, I don't know just like trying to have like a mental knowing but I do believe we all have this like direct experiential knowingness within us, which I would call our into Question but it's like it's knowing that you know something without knowing how you know it or is like mental knowing is like knowing something because you like wrote a paper on. Honey, you wrote a PhD paper or thesis, whatever you call it on honey, but you've never actually tasted honey, you know. So anyways, I'm gonna stop there because I feel like this is just getting weird and I'm not making any sense, but maybe I am. So yeah, let me think if there's anything I can ask my intuition now if there's anything else that I want to share in this episode, before we wrap up, I guess the last thing would be is that like, I'm kind of afraid that this is a good resume that people are gonna think of, like crazy and like, what, uh, yeah, I'm afraid of how this episode will land. So yeah, there you go. Thanks. I'm afraid to tell you I hope this episode serves you. And I would, I would love to hear like, I don't know if what if it brought up anything and you or if there's anything that you resonate with, or anything you want to share, feel free to message me on Instagram at Madison dot Arnhold. I would love to continue the conversation with you and you know, hear if anything, just landed or resonated with you. And I hope this serves not that you need my permission at all. But I hope this baby serves for you as a permission slip to share your own vulnerabilities in a way that feels aligned and true for you. And in a way that feels really good for you. So with that being said, I'm gonna wrap this episode up. Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you on the next episode. Thank you so much for listening to the magnetical your podcast. If this episode served you I ask that you share it with someone who could make a difference for or share it on social media and tag me at magnetically you. Make sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss any of the magic. And it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review on iTunes. Thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart for being here. And I will see you in the next episode.

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