Welcome back to Sacred Sexuality Month on the podcast! I have another amazing guest for you this week!
If you consider yourself a natural leader and have a tendency to lean into more masculine energy in relationship, this episode is for you!
I learned so much from this episode because as an alpha woman myself, I totally have a tendency to "do it all" and then secretly wish my partner would lead. If you can relate, I'm so excited for you to listen!
✧ How to know if you're an alpha woman
✧ How to activate your feminine warmth
✧ The 5 layers of feminine warmth
✧ What to do if you have a tendency to control/criticize your partner
✧ A super easy shift you can make today to stoke the flames of masculinity in your man
✧ How to know if you have a feminine or masculine core
✧ How to get your man to take the lead
Jessica Scott coaches both single alpha women and alpha women who are currently in relationships to be able to get the relationship they've always wanted by activating their feminine warmth.
Follow Jessica on Instagram @jessicastanclik
I am sooo grateful for you listening today. If this resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you’d leave a review on itunes. Everyone’s invited to the afterparty which takes place every day on instagram @madison.arnholt so come hang out with us there.
If you’re really fired up about mindset, spiritual and personal development, click here to check out my coaching programs and courses.
Hello, and welcome to the magnetical you podcast. I'm your host Madison Surdyke, I'm a mindset energy coach, here to help you feel your freaking best and manifest a life full of magic miracles and abundance. I know that whatever led you here did not happen by coincidence. So I am so excited and grateful to have you here. So let's let the magic begin. Hi, and welcome back to the magnetically you podcast. I have Jessica Scott here today who I am so excited to interview she's a love dating and relationship coach specifically for alpha women. She shows women how to activate their feminine warmth, so they can experience deeply satisfying and long lasting love. She coaches both single alpha woman and alpha women who are currently in relationships, to be able to get the relationship they've always wanted. So I found Jessica recently on Instagram, I was looking for relationship coaches to follow and just do some growth in terms of my own relationship. And I wanted to start following some relationship coaches. And I found Jessica and her work resonated with me so much, because I definitely identified as what she describes as an alpha woman. And I think many of you will identify with this as well. So I am so excited to have you here, Jessica, thank you for having me. Yeah, I love this topic. And when I started to get into relationship coaching, I realised that there was no one who was coaching specifically for this alpha woman who I am through and through. And what I noticed in my own dating life, prior to, you know, meeting my boyfriend, now we've been together for five years, I noticed that some of the experiences that I was having as a really strong, hyper capable, independent woman, were really different from what a lot of other women were experiencing. And I just want to start off by saying, I don't say alpha, meaning it's better, it's just different. So when you are very, you know, believe in yourself, you're growing, you're doing all these things, you just bring to the table and bring to a relationship, a different set of character traits, qualities, even traumas. And some of the things that we're running from in trauma world makes us go makes us keep accomplishing. If we haven't done that trauma work. It's just different from someone who doesn't identify themselves as an alpha woman. So I love this work. It's changed my entire life. And that's why I have to bring it to the other Alpha women, because there's no one else doing it. Yeah, I'm so excited to get into it. So can you tell us a little bit about your journey and what kind of led you on this path and kind of realisations totally. So I am a single mom, I was a single mom, I was with the father of my daughter for 11 years on and off. And it was an okay relationship, but just not the one that was going to take me till I was at in a rocking chair, right. And so I left him when our daughter Scarlett was five or not was one. And when I became a single mom, that was a huge trauma. For me, that's where I lost a lot of my warmth. Because I had to be the masculine, right? I literally had to do all the hard things hold up the walls of the house, so to speak. And that's where I lost a lot of my warmth. So when I started dating, and Scarlett was about to, and I met Rick, I was so terrified to soften. I was terrified to really open up. And my whole life I had been such a doer accomplish or I've got it. And so needing someone else. I really prided myself on being able to do it all my whole life. And then when I had to do it all as a single mom, and I was doing it really well I had started my business and was keeping a roof over me and Scarlett's head, she's seven now. And so I was doing really well. And when I met Rick, that's my boyfriend now. It was hard for me to soften. It was hard for me to open up. And it was a really difficult journey. Not that our relationship was difficult, but I just didn't want to and I couldn't see what a man could bring to the table that I wasn't able to do for myself because I could do everything for myself. And so there was almost this like this taste in my mouth of like, I don't need a man and I thought men were kind of stupid anyway, and useless. And so when Rick who's this amazing presence, like this steady, phenomenal human came into my life. I really went through it internally because I didn't know how to be vulnerable. I didn't know how to even open up to access that part of me. And so like I said, we've been together for five years and kind of at the three year mark I started to do deeper internal work and started to notice like, oh, gosh, like my femininity is really missing. I started as a fitness coach. And so I had eight pack abs, I was like shredded, I used to compete, I really lost a lot of my femininity in that like that workout every day. And I'm not talking like yoga, I'm talking like lifting heavy freakin waves. And so I really became masculinized in that, and I didn't know not that. I'm not saying if you lift weights, you're masculine. Like, I'm not saying that at all. But for me, personally, I lost touch with that feminine warmth. And what I mean by warmth is like, it's almost something you can't describe, like, when someone comes into the room, we could all if we were together, all of us women, we could all sit down and say like, is that person warm or not? What would we be talking about though, it's almost like this feeling. And it's different from like what a man brings, right? Men want to be with women who have that feminine warmth, otherwise, they just go hang out with their guy friends. And so activating this in myself and my femininity, literally took recognise relationship, which was a, it's always been amazing. But it took it to this next level. And when you do this, it literally makes it so every single day, you're falling more and more in love with this partner of yours, because he's the masculine he's leading, and you're not having to do it all, which is what we do, but we don't necessarily love to do. Oh my gosh, I resonate with this. So so much, and thank you for sharing your story. It's so it's so so powerful. And I think, what do you think it is? I think a lot of women especially like women, like us who identify as Alfa women do have a hard time softening. Like, why do you think it's so hard for us to like, soften and lean and lean back? There's many factors. First, it's the culture, right? We have like a women's empowerment movement going on. But if you have to empower someone, it means that they don't have power. So it's almost like this thing where men love women's femininity, and women have created pathologized femininity, so men are looking for it and want like a soft, warm woman. And when I say soft and warm, I don't mean a doormat. I don't mean that means you're pregnant barefoot in the kitchen. None of that, right? I mean, I don't have 400 kids, if you want 400 Kids great. I only have one we're only gonna have one I still work. So I'm not saying you have to be you know, pregnant barefoot in the kitchen. But men want that warmth, that softness. Otherwise, like I said, they just go hang out with their guy friends. And so when men are looking for it, women have demonised it. Right. And so it's really our own thoughts about it. But it really in in my courses, I talk about connecting to your brilliance. So like in my family being really strong and I grew up in a so I'm from from the Midwest, I still live in Illinois. Very like, Wait, we're in Illinois, if you don't mind me asking. Oh, kind of by Rockford like further out away from Chicago. Okay, I'm in Illinois right now, which is kind of crazy. Because this is where my fiance's family lives. So funny. Where are you at? That tune? It's like a Yeah, town. Yeah. Funny. Oh my gosh, okay. Anyways. So I grew up here, which is like a very blue collar, pull yourself up by your bootstraps type of area. And so you almost pride yourself on being able to do so many things for yourself and not need help. It's just the culture, right? Culture of my family and where we live. But really the culture of by and large, we teach women to be strong, right? I did a live talking about this when it was like the women's women's independence. It was a women's holiday, International Women's Day, or whatever. And like all these memes about like strong women, and like I honestly and this might trigger some people but like, I don't think we need to be told how strong we are. Like we frickin know our knees are buckling under the amount of pressure. We need more women who are willing to just sit there and be like, treated like women, and beautifully and pampered. Right, like, stop telling women they're strong, so strong, we know. Because you're so strong, you're so strong here, take more, do more hair, take more, do more. And it's not giving us the fullness, the reach rejuvenation that we need as women. Yeah, and are very different. And so it can come from the reason why we are the way we are. It can come from culture like that can come from family, and also it can come from trauma, it can come from not being in a safe environment where it was safe to need someone to say hey, I have needs or, Hey, I'm a woman I feel this right. So it's like a whole country. agglomeration and like huge recipe to have things that bring you to the point of, I don't need anyone, I'm fine, I've got it. I've got it myself. Just ask yourself, this would be a really awesome thing for your viewers to ask or listeners, like when you're at if you're going to IKEA and get furniture or if you go somewhere, and let's say something's really heavy and someone's like, Do you need help out to your car? Oh, do you need help with that? Or do you want help putting that I as a woman was always like, No, I've got it. Especially like having lifted weights. Like I'm like, I'll kill you. If you help me right? Now I'm like, There's no pride in not needing help, actually, men need to be needed. So when they're dating someone, or if you know, you've met someone, or you're in a relationship, and you're like, I've got it, I'm good. That attenuates a man's confidence and masculinity. And when those are not, you know, ripe and they're not really on fire, you're going to feel less cherished and less adored, because he won't have anything to lean into, and like to treat you like a woman who just going to be treating you like another man. But over time, we say we want this because we're strong and independent. But over time, then you're like, why am I not being treated? And like a woman? Why am I not having these deep womanly needs taken care of, and the guy's like, you've always said you were fine. And I realised this, it was probably about four years ago, three years ago, I was actually on with a client, our old house, and I had the front door unlocked because I was waiting for my nanny and my sister to come with her two kids. And I was on with a client, I heard someone in the house, and I thought that it was them. But I'm like, doesn't sound like them told my client Hold on. I went out my office. There were people in the house that I didn't know to women was terrifying. absolutely terrifying. I was like, What on earth? Am I being robbed? What is this, and we live in the middle of nowhere. So it was really terrifying. So I called the police. I called you know, Rick, I called Scarlets dad, who's a police officer. And I was really freaked out. Well, that night, when I was talking to Rick about it, he was just kind of like, you know, like this, okay. The next day didn't really talk about it didn't reference it didn't ask me how I was. So that next night, I was like, Why haven't you asked me who I am after that? Because I was like, so scared. I'm like, I'm still today. I didn't know if they were like casing the joint or going to come back. You know, I was, I was scared. And he's like, Oh, I didn't. I didn't even know you felt like that. Because you're always just like, I got it. And so that really clued me in and had me like, have this huge aha moment of like, no one is going to lean in and start to care for you in this womanly way. If you always are fine, and got it, we have to start being truthful with what we need. Yeah, that makes so much sense. I was laughing when you're talking about like, oh, I don't need help. Because the other day I was on the elevator. And I had, like, my, both of my arms were like, stacked with grocery bags. And like, they were turning so red, because I had so many groceries. And I get on the elevator and this guy. And I'm like, about to like fall over. My arms are like burning red. And this guy looks at me. He's like, I think he was offering to help in a, like, indirect way. But he was basically like, oh, I would, I would help you. But it looks like I might make it worse. Because it looked like if you touched anything right tumble over and I was just like, oh, like I'm fine. I'm gonna be up to my apartment in like two seconds. And it's like, it would have I could have easily been like, you know, I would really love your help. Do you mind? Oh, and it's like, Why didn't simple shift? Why didn't I? I don't know. I guess it was just like, oh, like, it's fine. I'll be up to the apartment. And second, like I can guess like, like, I can handle it like, yeah. And so when men are offering help for us, they're not insinuating that we can't, but it would, it's almost their pleasure to be able to lend their masculinity to us. And so like I said, we as women pathologize that like, Oh, you're just so weak and like, I got it. Don't you insinuate that I am. It's like, I'm not insinuating. I'm doing it because you as a woman are just so radiant and amazing. And I would love it would literally be my pleasure to be able to do this for you. And so it's literally our programming around it. And men are like, Okay, fine. Men aren't able to feel masculine, because we're not giving them the chance to and then we're like, where are all the men men like they offered to carry your groceries in the elevator? And you said No, exactly, exactly. It's like we're robbing them of the opportunity to step into their masculinity, to feel that sense of pleasure for themselves and then we're robbing ourselves of the opportunity to receive and experiencing the pleasure that comes with receiving and allowing Write ourselves to receive, right? And so, you know, just like during sex, you know, the woman is the receiver. The man is the giver. Masculinity is very penetrative and very emptying. So as a guy, that guy in the elevator, he has all his masculinity in his body and he's ready to I don't want to say like, ejaculate it because it's not. Right. But like it can be and it doesn't have to be he has all this masculinity and he's waiting literally for the opportunity to showcase it. Yeah, but he wants to you know, date you or whatever. He literally it literally gives him lifeforce energy. And so imagine all these men who are going around in today's world with women, like I got it, I got it, I don't need you. Men suck. Men are stupid, all these things. Imagine how it feels to be a man right? And not actually even satisfied. Because women today aren't I don't think any happier than they were decades ago. And so we're like, doing all these things and talking down about men, but men can't fulfil their role and really, when a woman learns to receive it is like the best thing ever. Right? So like men are penetrative energy. It's, you know, very emptying and women need to feel full. Right? They we need to like feel penetrated and full. But when we're always being the penetrator, because we think that receiving is weak. We literally are taking the magnetism and the passion out of interchanges in relationships, or otherwise, like I used to not want anyone to hold the door. I used to not want anyone to do anything for me, because I got it. And so now I challenge you and your listeners, whenever you're out somewhere, try and receive literally the next time someone offers like I bought two hanging baskets there were like, you know, those huge flower ones, they're heavy. So I brought them up to the front and there was a woman like my age checking me out. And there were two of them. She's like, Do you need help out to your car? And I was like, no, yes, yes. No, beautiful even from another woman to receive. And this goes into a whole other thing. It's like a lot of Alfa women have difficult times with friendships and like really coming together. But if you have no ability to receive or know feminine warmth, women don't want to hang out with another man, they want to be with that feminine warmth. The only women that want to hang out with another man, they have no feminine warmth, and they hang out with other men, which is literally like a hallmark sign of like, you have no feminine warmth, and you don't know how to be around other women. Ooh, this is getting juicy. Okay, before we go any further, can you like give a little bit of, um, click like, details around what the Alpha woman is? I think it's clear already. But just in case you want to ask sometimes people don't know what I'm talking about. Or they think and this is what it's not. They think that being an alpha woman would mean like, you know, if me and you were at a bar, we're like that loud, ostentatious. Like, I'm just like, they're like, all up in your face. Like, you know, you can't see my head, but like just that neck that's like, I'll tell you what, no, I'm talking in my, in my world, what an alpha woman is, it's someone who's really comfortable in leadership. It's usually someone who's very smart. Like, my clients are very intelligent. Like I graduated third of my class, I, you know, studying was very easy for me. I love learning. And so I always have an idea. I always have an opinion. In a group, I'm going to be like, first in line, and the first to raise my hand to share my thoughts. I'm very comfortable, even though I'm an introvert, too. Like I'm totally a homebody, totally introvert, but put me on stage or in an arena in which my specialty or zone of genius has been talked about, I'll steal the stage, like, I have so much to contribute. And I know that and I'm confident and I know I'm intelligent, have a lot to offer. That's an alpha woman, right? So like very comfortable in leadership, she's really good at delegating. It's kind of like, Oh, you do this, you do that? I'll do this. And this is how the plan is gonna work. Right? There's some women who just aren't that natural born leader. And it's not to say that alpha is better, they're worse. It's just different. And I noticed this growing up, because in groups, I would usually be the leader in study groups. I was always like, Okay, let me tell you how to remember, you know, the Krebs cycle, or whatever. And I was always giving them my opinion. And so when you're alpha, it's different dating because alpha means you have a tendency to lean into masculine energy. If you need someone who's very strong and the secret of most Alpha women is they secretly want to be led. They want to meet someone who my best friend says Can out alpha them. Yeah, so it becomes really difficult because the man who can out alpha you is looking for feminine warmth. So if you're single and You're not ever able to find you know, Mr. Right it probably in your alpha it probably has to do with the men that you would just die to have you would love to have in your life. They aren't into it because you're too alpha and instead who you probably attract is like nice guys or guys who need mothering because they're like ooh Alfa. Hi Mommy. You know cuz you got it all going on and you can delegate you can lead you're first in line, you know, the plan your logical your analytical, that guy is gonna want that feminine warms. Yeah, everything you said. I'm like, Yep, that's me. That's me. Yeah, that's me. So I'm excited to continue. So what is feminine warmth? And how can we tap more into that? So good. So when I was with Rick and I did not have any feminine warmth, and I was almost like, I describe it as your body almost becomes like sinewy and strided can in like the appearance of it, and you become mechanical and your movements are almost staccato. When I say this, my best friend was like, What the hell is staccato? I'm like, if you play music, you would know. But it's like, you know, staccato our notes. They're like, very quick, and very, like choppy, right. So staccato it's there's no fluidity to it. Alfa women tend to be very robotic. And they're not oceanic, like the feminine is. So what was your question? Like? Where am I going? What is your cabling the feminine, more feminine warmth? And yeah, how can we tap More? And yeah, so if you don't have it, that's how you'll be feeling. And so when I started to tap into it more, I first didn't know what the hell I was doing. I just knew that I could not be in a relationship with someone very long. Like, I have a history of like dating people and being like, Alright, I'm done with you. I'm done with you. I'm done with you. But I knew that I loved Rick. And we had started to build this really beautiful house and life and everything together. And I'm like, I'm sick. At first, I was sick of lying to myself, because I was like, I don't need a man, I don't need anything. I don't want to get married, like all that stuff. And I was like, actually, I really do. And those were just white lies, I told myself to keep myself from pain. So I started to be like, Alright, I've got to do something here. And this wasn't like a logical thing. I think in my body, I just was being led to softening. And so I reverse engineered it after a few years. And I came up with this process called the five layers of warmth. So in both my courses for single women or for women in relationships, I go through this process, and each week, we learned how to activate another layer of feminine warmth. So the first layer is respect. And this one is huge, because this is what men need from us the most. It's feels amazing to be respected. And yes, as women, we need respect. But we need something different. Really. I mean, if I was like, you know, in your relationship, what's the best thing you could ever have? You would not be like, I need to be respected as a woman. Like, it's just not the first thing you would say. Right? Yeah. So learning how what is the language of respect for respecting your partner? Or when you're dating men? What does that look like? What it constitutes respect to a man a man, right? A lot of times in our culture, we're trying to, like feminised men, like we are trying to make them talk about their feelings, and do all these things. It's like, let's stop making you know, this animal that can't fly. Let's stop trying to make him fly. He does better when he's, you know, running like a cheetah. And so this area of respect is like learning about the masculine like learning what do they actually need, instead of saying, Well, this is what I need. So this is what you need, they need something totally different. So that's the first layer of warmth, the second one is receive. So you learn how to receive what's in the way from being able to receive and I like to describe this as being egg energy. So even during the fertilisation process, you've got the sperm that are tasting the egg, right. And the egg isn't like chasing the sperm. The egg is kind of just sitting there waiting for the sperm to arrive. The sperm are literally like killing themselves trying to get to the egg because they're pursuing it. And so if we're not learning how to receive like receiving the person with the groceries or receiving the person carrying my IKEA crowd, if we're not learning how to do that, then imagine how infused the sperm would be. If the egg was like chasing the sperm. It'd be like, Wait, you're not even doing your part. Right? And so if we can't receive Imagine if we can't receive during sex, how like weird sex would be. It's like how the dance of the relationship starts to become if we're not able to receive and we have this thing in our culture where we think that receiving is this weak thing and really, no man thinks that way. The only man who thinks that way is the one that we don't want to be with because they want to receive because they want to be mothered. The third layer of activating your feminine warmth is recharge. So recharge is kind of like self care, but it's a little bit deeper. And this one has to do with even activating and having feminine friendships like female friendships. I just had a client prior to this podcast call. And she was feeling like she was straining her in her boyfriend's relationship, because she doesn't have a lot of female friends. This is another hallmark a lot of alpha women can't get close with women because they can't receive and they don't know how to soften. And so they just say like, Oh, um, I've seen a meme like Alfa women don't run in packs, because they keep their circle song like no, it's trauma. Let's just frickin call it what it is. It's trauma. And no one is like we're not meant or created, especially women to be alone period. So if you're exalting that, I'm sorry, like, it's just an it's a huge No. So recharging is on your own recharging and recharging with other women like being seen by other women is so huge. So if you don't have that aspect, and you're not able to give that to yourself, you're going to be straining your relationship, because you can't get from your partner what you're supposed to be getting from women ever, even if he's the best partner in the world. After that, recharges relinquish control. So a lot of alpha women have to control everything. And this became really apparent to me. So we live in a brand new house, Rick built this house, and I designed it. And we were in like our beautiful kitchen and cooking. And I started to realise how many times I would be like telling Rick How to Chop onions, telling him how to do this or like correcting how he did whatever. That control is really like a feeling that's coming up. And it's like, if your partner is you know, has a job and drives a vehicle, I don't think he needs to tell you to tell him how to chop on it. Right? Like, he drives he like has a whole job. He has a career, somehow he's managed to make it. I don't think he needs you to tell him how to do every little thing. Right. So that relinquishing of control is really huge, and actually is a very feminine thing. Because when we're when we're controlling everything, it's saying I don't trust you enough to care for me in such a way that my needs become met unless I'm asserting myself. What if like, what can we do when we're like in a situation where, like you said, with the chopping of the onions and that tendency to be like, Hey, you're doing it wrong, you need to chop them this way comes up? How can we? How can we kind of like I don't know, I guess like stop it in its tracks and redirect to a new way of being in the feminine warms and say we've already done it. And then we're like, oh my God, why did i Why did I just tell him how to cut the onions that was so controlling of me? How can we? I don't know if recover? That is the right word. But how can we like open the conversation to grow from that moment? Yeah. So at first, if you haven't said anything yet, then I would notice okay, what's coming up in me? What's the actual feeling which is the next layer of warmth for raw feelings? What is the actual feelings and I coach a tonne on the difference between feelings and perceptions. So there's very few feelings, there's a heck of a lot of perceptions. Like, if someone's like, I feel hurt. I'm like, that's not a feeling. That's a perception. It's blaming, right? So I feel you know, annoyed or I feel betrayed. Like I feel you know, all these things. That's actually a feeling and that comes off as blame with men, and it doesn't feel very good, you're not going to get a good response. So first, I would say like what's going on for you that like in your life, the shape of the onion is so important that you can't trust him. Right? And in your heart of hearts, most women who are going to talk about the onion, if we said if we were talking on another day, and I said, Do you really in your heart of hearts, like want to be led by your partner? Like does that feel like something that would feel like Oh, it feels so good to just like relax into like the presence and the stability and the steadfastness of the masculine? Does that feel like something you want? And I'll go over in a minute how to find out if you have a feminine core or a masculine core so that obviously you can see like, oh, yeah, I am I have feminine core and that does feel good. Most times most women even like seven figure eight figure earners that I've coached, they want to feel led, they want to be led. So then it's like, okay, this is really interesting. You want to be led, but you just can't with the onions. So what's actually really going on right here and I really had asked myself this, and it's like, I just didn't feel safe. I didn't feel like I could relax like the onion Jake would change everything, you know. And so just letting him do whatever and It's not like just do whatever he can run around and get a hall pass. No. But it's like, Is this actually a really huge thing. And if he there is something coming up, then you need to communicate what's actually coming up for you. Not the onions has nothing to do with onions, right? You're feeling a certain way, and then with raw feelings, and then the next thing we do in my courses, it's not part of the layers of warm. It's teaching the art of feminine communication. So let's say you were actually feeling nervous, or you were feeling anxious about something. So then you can just say, Hey, can I share something? And they'd be like, yeah, slice, slice, slice. You know, he's like, you're like, I feel so nervous right now. And they'd be like, why? You know, I feel nervous that this isn't going to come out because I normally chop them the other way. But I know you have your way. And then if he's like, Well, I'm gonna just keep topping them this way. Or if he changes to your way, then fine, but you actually are being honest, instead of manipulative and controlling. Yeah, no, this is so powerful. I feel like it's definitely a shift I can make. And, you know, speaking of the, like, controlling tendencies, I definitely noticed myself like doing this with stupid shit, like onions. And I'm like, Why did I do that? And then, of course, you know, my fiance, breaks down his confidence, his ability to want to lead his ability to want to step into the masculine. And then I'm over here, like, why don't you do anything? And it's like, well, I robbed you of that opportunity. I made you feel so terrible about the things you did do that it was like, Well, I'm not even gonna like that. And it becomes this like, I don't know, like, weird. Is that match cycle? Yeah, yeah, it's like a cycle, I have a thing called the warmth, cherish cycle. So as you increase your warmth, so So my two programmes are called cherish, that's for people in relationships or pursue that's for someone who wants to be pursued and get a man. And when your warmth is missing, and each of these really you know, whether you're in a relationship or being wanting to be pursued, you're not going to have this warmth, cherish cycle going on. So when you have a lack of warmth, it decreases the confidence in your man. So imagine like shrivelled treble treble when the confidence in him so like, let's say, like, every single day you tell him he chops on is wrong. I'm not saying you do, let's just say every single day or something like that I forget or something like that. Right? So it might be onions, it might be something else. It might be the directions. Why are you driving this way? Right? That's another thing that I teach in my course is like, stop saying why you can inquire, but like, just be like, Why did you do that? Do people ask people who are leaders? Why did you do that? Or are you actually feeling something you need to share how you're feeling? Right? So one is really emasculated. And the other one is really like, Hey, this is how I feel. I'm letting you know how your leadership is affecting me. When we are doing that every single day. You can see how Okay, his confidence is literally shrivelling. When a man's confidence is shrivelled over time, it could just be like 600 times of the onions would affect a man. Okay, so then his masculinity is also shrinking. When masculinity isn't surging, there's no impulse for him to want to ensure you have everything make sure you're happy hold space for you see you treat you like that woman that like deep down. We all want that like man who's just like Outlander, if you ever have you seen Outlander, oh my gosh, just a series of this, like, it's very good, masculine feminine dynamics, but like this man who just wants to give right like penetrate the feminine, not even sexually, there's one to provide and protect and be there the strength for the feminine. He's not gonna have that impulse. If you've destroyed through onions and directions and everything else, there's a million different ways. If you've destroyed that, over time, his impulse to cherish and adore you and see you it's like, wreck that I'm not doing that. Right. Yeah. So then there's this cycle. And it's like, I start to determine in my programmes, where in the cycle is there kind of a wedge that's creating, you know, if you had this wheel that was trying to turn, it's not going to turn freely if your warmth or somewhere else? And that cycle has kind of a wedge in it? And the same thing for single women too. Yeah. So what can we do to begin shifting that dynamic and letting go of that cycle? Would you say like, is that something that can be recovered and shifted? 100,000,000% Yeah, so what would be like the first like steps for someone who's like, Yep, this is me. I'm ready to go into my feminine more. I'm ready for my man to lead like how would you suggest they get started? One of the best things you can do and this is gives you like this little shift and tweak and this is why I love this work because you can start the yes we can do Like the deep inner work with the trauma that can be really long and drawn out. And yes, and I do that I'm certified in trauma, but there's little tiny shifts, like little changes in your daily communication, little things you can start doing like literally tonight, that is going to start to stoke the flames of the masculinity in your life, right? Even if you're on a date, if you're dating, talking to someone chatting it up, whatever your relationship status is, this is one of the key ones. So start doing this, I want to hear how it happens. I'm ready. I'm like, I'm literally about to go practice, right. So when your partner shares something with you, or says like, okay, you know, tomorrow, we could either, you know, do this, or this or, you know, here's the problem, whatever. This is what I want you to say, whatever you think, because it's like, I'm not solving the problems for you, I want to be cared for. And I want to see what your leadership Flex is like, and it's not like you're like, you know, I'm gonna see how if you mess this up, right? Yeah, let me see, like, yeah, it's kind of like, I trust you. You're the man in my life, or you're the man I've chosen to go on this date with, I trust, you know, don't say this. If they're like, do you want to see, you know, a glory movie or a horror movie? Don't say like, whatever you think, if you really don't want to do either of those, right? If he's asking you a preference, you know, you have to say if you do have a preference, but most times I leave the I leave the leading to Rick. And I will say, Oh, yeah, whatever you think. And it gives him it gets him in the habit of trusting himself, and it shows him, I as your woman trust you. That's why I'm with you. I trust that you can make decisions for us, for our family for you. And when we start to relinquish control in this way, it's so beautiful, because and here's the huge because I'm all about gender equality. I am 100,000,000% Not for gender sameness, okay. I do want to be able to open a bank account, own property, vote and do all those things. I am not the same as a man. And when I've acted the same as a man and thought that I'm the same as a man, I got autoimmune diseases, because I literally am not a man. I am like analogy queen. So show you share, we share with you an analogy that I talk about a lot. Imagine if you have a cheetah. And imagine if you have a bald eagle, these are both magnificent creatures, right? Like if we were to see either in person, they're amazing cheetah, fastest land animal I think like super fast, Eagle like humongous. If you've ever seen a bald eagle in person, we have them around here. It's insane. If we told bald eagles, and this is the representation of females, if we told bald eagles that they can if they work at it really hard run as fast as cheetahs. And if we coached them their whole life, that was our culture, like bald eagles, just keep learning how to run. Cheetahs are always going to be faster, they're always going to do cheetah things better because they're the actual cheetah, right? The ego might be able to learn how to run but probably not as fast. When you wake the feminine up. It's like tapping an eagle on the shoulder and saying, Hey, you're always going to just be some like, makeshift imposter cheetah. And I'm so sorry, no one ever told you. But you actually can fly. And then the ego is like, what? And then they start soaring. And it's like this beautiful thing. And if we were to stand there, and if I'm like, which animal is better? I'm not saying which one is better. I'm just saying, a cheetah running is completely different. And comparing these two, it's the most ridiculous conversation. I don't want to act like a man. I'm done proving and posturing and trying to be strong because my strength as a woman is like an eagle flying. It's not better. It's just different. And so I since I have this feminine core. So here's how you can figure out if you have a feminine core masculine core, if you're being intimate with your partner or with someone, probably a partner, though. Do you want to be pushed up against a wall? Or do you want him to do the putt? Do you want him to do the pushing to push you up against the wall? Or do you want to do the pushing and push him up against a wall? So if you were to be pushed up against the wall 100% Okay, and this is how most women I've never had a woman answer it differently. And I find that most Alpha women, myself included, answer it almost more emphatically. Like of course I want to be pushed up against a wall. Like I'm strong in my daily life. So like when I lay down in that bed. I'm not doing that type of work to write. Yeah, I started to get curious because I've always felt like that and I actually I've never actually gotten into it and experiential but like in my mind, I always was curious about BDSM to like that, you know, let's play dress up and make shift that you're in control. And I'm not. So I started to get curious, like, Why do I have to have this fantasy world when like, this is actually what I want, like when we're in a bedroom situation with our partner, if he's if your fiance is pushing up against the wall, it's not abuse, right? There's no, there's, it's pleasurable for both of you. Like, it's not at all mean. And so I'm like, Why do we like this as Alfa women where we have a feminine core, inside the bedroom, but like outside of the bedroom? It's like, I'm going to tell you how chop onions. Yeah, right. It's just so weird to me. Yeah. So when I started to soften into like, I actually do want to be led. I want Rick to be the leader of the home, but I want his leadership to consider me. In order for him to consider me I have to be able to share my heart and open up so that he can have me as checks and balances. Hey, how's my leadership going? Look at see how Jessica is doing right? So if you show me, a woman that is just like, stressed out beyond belief, a home that's in shambles, I'll show you a man who's not leading every single time. Oh, my gosh, this is so good. And I love what you said about like, share your heart to serve as the checks and balances for them. And it's like, yeah, like they I feel like my fiance definitely would like it's so important to him that how I feel and I'm happy and that I get what I want. And I think that's such a powerful shift to see it in that way of like, this serves me to be able to share, but it serves him to be able to gauge like, yeah, like you said, Where am I at with my leadership? And yeah, ask if you ask any man, how important is the woman in your life's happiness? Every man would say it's really important. Now if you asked every woman like, I mean, Rick's happiness is important to me. But it's not something I'm like, Oh, I just want to make rip happy. Like, that's a very penetrative and a very masculine thing. Like I want to be doing things to ensure that Jessica is radiating happiness, right. So that's a masculine doing something to affect how I feel. I don't do things to affect how Rick feels, I be things I am who I am. So like, do things I am things. So like when Rick is near me and feeling my feminine warmth, I know it positively affects him. Right? So like, I thought it was really curious. I thought it was really interesting when I started to understand how important a woman's happiness is for their man. Because I'm not just I'm not saying that with our partners are their happiness isn't as important. But it's not something up on the like scale of like, Rick's happiness is so important to me. And like, I almost like don't think about it, because I know he's influenced by my happiness. So this is where like when we're doing that gender equality and sameness, we need different things. And until we start to say they're a cheetah, we're eagles, or vice versa, it doesn't matter. Not one is better. One is worse. We're very different beings. And I just got sick of trying to posture and say like, I'm just like a man, I can do everything like a man. Actually, no, no, I can't. And I am not made to feel insignificant or weaker by saying that just like there are so many things that Rick cannot do that I can do. Because I'm a woman. And I don't want to see Rick do it. Yeah, no, that's, that's so powerful. Yeah, I feel like you were saying like, what it brought up in me is that, like, what, what my brain thinks I want is for my fiancee to do more things, like, do the dishes, and oh my gosh, I'm the one booking all the travel for our trip. And oh my gosh, I was just on the phone for 30 minutes with our MERS today trying to sort all that stuff out. And it's like, it's like it my brain wants me to think like, I do all the things, I do everything. He needs to do more things. But I think from what you're saying, I'm like sensing that? Is it? Is him do more of these things. What I actually want or do you think like, there's often like an underlying thing going on there without what we actually need? Yeah, I have to spend more time with your relationship to understand, but when you're the one that's taking initiative to run the entire household and do all those things. Yeah, you're leading in the relationship, but unless he says hey, can you call the moving people hey, can you do this and he leaves you to do it, then it can feel really frustrating because you're taking on all of the leadership role and doing all these things. And especially if it's it's not something that you're good at or you don't feel Good doing, if he were to do those things, it might fill you up. But there's probably more in that you're too far in the masculine role overall in your in your relationship. And so if you were to soften into your feminine warmth, would create this different dynamic within the relationship. So he's more leading, he can share with you what he wants you to do. And you don't feel like why am I controlling and doing everything? But then again, at dinner, we tell him how to touch up on it. And so it's like, this really messed up thing. Yeah, yeah. So how could you begin to like, I don't know, I guess, like, let go of control with those things. And like, lean back and create this space for your man to lead. Like, I'm just gonna share all the all the vulnerable things coming up in my brain. So my brain goes, well, if I don't do if I just don't do the things then like, nobody will do them. And like, yeah, it definitely feels like I'm holding the leader ship as in like, it seems like, oh, it's not even going to cross his mind to think about doing it. So I'm, like, like, what things were, for instance, like booking our movers for our move. Just like no thing, there's a little bit of like, a, when you start to activate your feminine warmth, and you inspire your man to his greatest potential, there's a little bit of an interim because things will be changing, right? And so a lot of my clients and people who take my courses, they don't have a conversation with their man, like, Hey, let me tell you how this is gonna go because that's more leading what I did with Rick and I had to have this conversation where I had this aha moment in my own healing and in this and I'm like, I have always just taken everything upon myself, because I thought that it was a badge of honour. Like I literally thought it was the noble thing to do. This is what good, strong independent women do. And I'm like, I just realised like, I don't want to be leading our whole house. Like I want. I want to be under your leadership. Yes, like under it. You know, because like, that feels like a safe umbrella for me to just like be myself and be like, my like energy of the home. This isn't to say that. I don't do grocery shopping. I do. This isn't to say that I don't do dishes. I do. This isn't to say that I don't unload the dishwasher. I do, right. But there's certain things that I've stopped taking initiative on. And Rick understands what I'm feeling. And when you use I feel statements and learn how to communicate like, what is the actual feeling? You know, if you don't mind doing the moving truck? And if you don't mind taking that initiative, but if you do mind, what is the actual feeling underneath? So do you mind it or don't you mind it? Oh, I don't like it at all. So how does it make you feel? Makes me feel just like yeah, frustrated, annoyed, resentful. I think when I do the things that I don't want to do, because I think I'm the one that has to do them. It's resentment. Like that's yeah, the clear pattern. Yeah, totally. And so what would happen if you were able to completely and without blame and without throwing it on him but with emotional responsibility if he were to see truthfully, without you manipulating or like, Okay, cue the waterworks, right. But like, if he were to actually see how this affects you, and what his effect what this affects you in your daily life, or like, how much anxiety it causes your whatever it does, what would happen next, if he were to if you were to just be in that feeling, and say, like, this is how I feel, I think he would be like, Well, screw you do video games? No, I think you would say what do you want me to do? And then I'd be like, Well, fuck, I don't want to tell. Like, whatever you think I'm okay, cool. You see how we give them the ability to step into leadership, but it's so difficult if we've been doing it and filling in and this is where we're like, I'm so glad I have a seven year old daughter because I'm teaching her all of this stuff. Like I'm teaching her to be strong, but I'm not teaching her to be strong independent and not need anyone. Period. Strike expensive receiving, yeah, 100% I want her to be able to do the things should she need to but I'm not teaching her that this is the way to happiness because it's the way to burnout, frustration, anxiety, auto immune disorder, mental health issues, when you're not operating out of your feminine core. It's terrible. Yeah, no, this is this is so good. I'm excited to like, practice and implement all of this and I think everyone listening will be too because it's, I had my kind of business journey started out with healing my relationship with food and I was very in the masculine with controlling food controlling exercise, and I completely like I'm now in my intuitive flow. With good, and then I kind of moved on to my business. And again very much in my, like masculine force push energy in the beginning of my business. And I was like, I literally hate this. And now it's my intuition like completely runs and leads my business and it's so much more leaned back so much less over thinking and just so much more flow and ease and allowing of the receiving. So I feel like I'm like, Okay, I'm like, checking all of the different areas of my life. So I'm like, I'm excited about this. Oh, beautiful. Yeah, and this is the other challenge for women too. Because obviously, in our in our business relationship, right, we will have to be in our masculine at some point, right? Like my business coach is a perfect combo of masculine and feminine energy. I love that. Because too much masculine, gross, too much feminine. Just kind of like standing in a butterfly field, all that, you know, we got to have a little bit of both. So think about it this way, though, when our partners come home from work, they've been in their masculine all day, but they're still leading at home. So they're still in their masculine, they don't have to shift. No one ever teaches women how to do that shift. If you have children, it's even more challenging because as a mother, I am parenting Scarlett, and I'm in my masculine. I'm leading, I'm taking charge, I'm directing, I'm delegating. I'm, you know, orchestrating and doing all these things. So and then in my business, there is a lot of masculine energy, you know, I am leading my team, I am doing all these things. When Rick comes home, then I have to have the skill set to be able to switch into my feminine, or he feels like he's dating a guy. And I get burnt out stressed out, auto immune diseased out all the things. And so within my courses, I teach you how to effortlessly shift and work on that. Yeah. And would you say like, once you've like this shift is like, it's like an energetic shift, right? You're not like, okay, here we go. Now it's time to flip the switch. And energetic flow. Totally. And it becomes natural, the more that you embody your feminine and you're allowed, you've allowed yourself the space to say, truly, I do want to be led. And it doesn't make it weak, like literally, the feminine is so strong and powerful. I thought that I was like going to lose my power, I've gained so much more power. And even Rick looks at me with like, the biggest googly eyes because I have so much feminine warmth, which gives me the ultimate power. And so when you've really been honest with yourself, and you've been able to soften at first, it's like, you know, when you're learning to drive a car, you're like, Okay, I'm keeping in between now I drive to target and I'm like, How did I get here, like, and that's how it feels kind of automatic. Like with Rick, the things that I teach you in communication to say, last night, I've just like noticed myself just I say it and it's just part of who I am. It's how I am when I'm with my partner. It's literally effortless for me to switch into being feminine. But at first it might feel like okay, now I get in the car, I turn on the car. So it might feel a little bit robotic, but it's literally coming back to your roots, your feminine core. So literally, how you function now is antithetical to your core. So feel how much easier it must be to operate in alignment with who you really are. Yeah, no, I'm, that's yeah, so true. I feel like with like the food, it's like, oh, yeah, so much easier. So much more alignment, my business Oh, so much easier, so much more alignment. It's like, like my relationship. Yeah, it's like my relationship gets to be that way too. And, and I kind of like had an experience, kind of like you and Rick were like, our relationships always been great. And it always gets better every year. And it's like, and get to make it even better through this process. And I think he's going to be really excited about this. I'm very excited about this. I think everyone listening is probably like, yes. So I know, I think you're launching pursued right now is that correct. And when, when does cherished open first opens more towards the end of August? That's correct, or in a relationship. And these are both eight week courses with the two weeks of implementation in between. It's such a beautiful container because when alpha women come together, they're like having all these aha moments, we go through the layers of warmth with a couple other modules in there, one that is starting to develop and create and access your signature of feminine essence. This is really important because a lot of times we as women, we're like trying on for size, what femininity looks like and feels like and so I really have you access this feminine essence that's unique to you and it's not duplicatable, and it's so beautiful. So you don't feel like you're just like what is this that I'm actually doing? And then this after we go through the five layers of warmth, it's really learning how to use the raw feelings and the warmth to communicate using the art of feminine communication. And it literally is such a game changer. And it's healing for you because it's the how you intuitively and naturally function. But there's just things in the way keeping you from expressing yourself naturally. So amazing. Well, I think I'm going to need to get myself in cherished and for everyone listening, but jump in these programmes as well. They sound amazing. Is there anything else that's on your heart to share today that we didn't cover? We'll all have you share your, like social media and where people can find you. But before that, is there anything on your heart that we didn't get to? The only thing is I do have a Facebook group. And it's a free community. I go live in there every Friday at 130 Central Standard Time. And I talk about you know, women in relationships, not in relationships, like the top five things Alfa women do to, you know, create a mutiny in their home, all of these things, it's always a really beautiful time. So you can always find me on there. And the other thing is, in my work, I love to be really compassionate. And so these aha moments that can be kind of like, Why the hell have I been doing it like that, of course, that makes sense. Everything and this is why I talk about connecting to your brilliance, everything that we do is literally derived from a much needed adaptation. And so I grew up in a family that, you know, really congratulated me for doing and accomplishing and being self sufficient. All that strength was just applauded to no end. So in order for me to get love, that's what I did. And so I hit it, I did hit a home run, I hit it out of the park, I did what I was, you know, told to do, and I did what I needed to do to get what I perceived to be as love. And so anything that you're doing currently, right now, I love the connecting to your brilliance, because it literally it's not stupid, or it's not anything to be critical of. It's literally the most brilliant part about you, because you're thriving, and you're here today. So anything you realise throughout this podcast, like the reason why you're able to listen is because in be here today is because you did these adaptations. So it's not anything that is bad. It's just the noticing, like, oh, yeah, like, I don't need to do that anymore. I'm in a different space, I'm in a different place, and it's safe for me in this relationship to start to come home to me. Yeah, I love that so much. And it reminds me of my Intuitive Eating journey. It's like, at that time, like I, quote, had to develop certain beliefs to get myself through that healing process. So one of the examples at that time was like, I, you know, really had to believe that it's not okay to try to change your body in any way. Like if, like, never tried to change your body. It's bad, like, don't do that. And that's helped me at that time. It was the adaptive adaptation at the time that helped me get through the healing that I needed to get through. And now I can just see it so much more neutrally. I'm like, if somebody wants to do that, like it's not a problem, whereas before, I would have been like, No, can't hear it, like do and you know, so I think that's a really good example of that. So thank you so much. This was amazing. I'm really excited to share this episode. Where else can we find you? So Instagram, I got Jessica Scott. I don't know how I got that one. But that's my handle. And then I'm on Facebook as well. Jessica's got my posts on there every day, and pursued and cherished or my courses that I running and it's just been such a beautiful, beautiful journey. Amazing. Well link everything in the show notes and thank you so much. Thank you thank you so much for listening to the magnetically you podcast. If this episode serve, do I ask that you share it with someone who could make a difference for or share it on social media and tag me at magnetically you? Make sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss any of the magic. And it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review on iTunes. Thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart for being here. And I will see you in the next episode.
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